me to the demon in the corner of my room: ain’t u got shit to do
He’d been lurking about for days now, this shadow thing. It used to scare me, terrify me straight into insomnia. But it had just stood there the whole time. Now it seemed part of the furniture, if I’m being honest.
I started talking to it. Probably not my best idea, I’ll give you that, but it’s not like I had anyone else around. I would tell it about my day as I readied for bed. Jeff was a dick at the meeting this morning. Had the best hot dog off the best cart in the city for lunch. SIX reports due by Friday? Kellen must be trying to kill me. I even wished it good night. And it just stared, with its glowing red eyes.
One night, I had to stay late at the office. Really late. Remember those six reports? They turned into fifteen. And if I didn’t get them done for this major client, it was my head on the HR guillotine. So I stayed late. I ended up crashing on the sofa in the break room and woke up to more work on my desk. That was Thursday morning. I had to get this all done by Monday.
On Friday night, around ten, I decided to go home and get some real sleep before going back to the office to finish this insane task. And then I felt it. Something was here with me and it wasn’t the janitor.
I looked in the corner and there were those eyes again, surrounded by shadow. I sighed. I really didn’t have time for this, not here.
“Ain’t you got shit to do?” I snapped, walking to the break room for yet more coffee. So much for going home to sleep.
A growling sound, then a deep, rasping voice said, “I miss you.”
I stopped. “What do you mean, you miss me? Aren’t you a demon or something?”
“You didn’t come home. I’ve been worried. What are you doing here?”
We’d never conversed like this. It was almost comforting, like a friend would be.
“I’m working, man. I’ve got a big client coming on Monday and Kellen put all these damn reports on my desk and if I don’t get them done, I’m probably gonna get fired.” I ranted as I took off my tie and ran my fingers through my hair.
The demon paused, thinking. It moved slowly around the room, taking it all in.
“Do you want me to eat Kellen?” it suddenly asked.
I laughed, “No, don’t eat Kellen. It’s not really his fault.”
“Then what shall I do?”
I sighed and considered. What could a shadow demon do to help me?
“Do you know anything about graphic design and marketing?”
It paused its roaming. “I ate an artist’s soul, once.”
“Good enough. Just sit behind me and tell me what looks good.”
On Monday morning, the company landed the client, I got a raise, and arranged it so I could work from home two days a week. We moved to a bigger flat two months later. It makes cinnamon pancakes on Saturdays.
This is Kjell Lindgren. He’s a NASA astronaut who just got back from 5 months on the International Space Station. There are two reasons why this picture is hilarious:
His wife is flawless and makes bad space puns to make him do household chores.
I have that shirt. Thousands of people have that shirt. That shirt is available at Target. Which means actual astronaut Kjell Lindgren, with his wardrobe already full of NASA-issued and logo-emblazoned clothes, was at Target, saw a NASA shirt, and was like, “Yes, I am buying this because this is what I want to spend my actual astronaut salary on.”
tl;dr NASA employs a bunch of fucking nerds
It gets better.
Courtesy of Wikipedia, here’s the poster NASA released for his mission to the ISS:
NASA confirmed for a bunch of fucking nerds
*wipes single tear*
They’re just too beautiful.
I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again.
NASA personnel are, like, the top nerds. The alpha nerds. The absolute nerdiest nerds. The nerds other nerds look to for nerdspiration.
but what if a vampire drank the blood of someone who was anemic like would they be seriously grossed out
“what the fuck is this”
“i have anemia”
“can you take something for that you should probably take something for that this shit is nasty to drink let alone have running through your body i’m setting up a doctor’s appointment for you”
“dude really you don’t have to just leave what the fu—”
“you disgust me here take these iron supplements”
“where did you even get th—”
“shut up and take your pills and dont forget your vitamin D”
“i’m going to check up on you weekly to make sure you’re taking them”
“that’s not necessary”
“maybe we should work on a dietary plan with foods rich in iron and other things for you”
“do you get this involved with all of your meals”
VAMPIREDUDE: did u get the cookbook i orderd 4 u
ME: Oh my god, first of all stop using text speak, you told me you were 278, second how did you know where I LIVED, third yes I got it.
VAMPIREDUDE: heard onions were good 4 blood, eat lots
ME: So you can have a tasty meal? I guess you’d rather I stay away from garlic, huh.
VAMPIREDUDE: UR being v rude I just got u a present!!!
ME: THE COOKBOOK IS CALLED “HOW TO TASTE DELICIOUS,” I AM CALLING THE COPS
a concept: Harry Potter with his mother’s hair and father’s eyes instead of vice versa.
Harry with fiery dark red hair and soft hazel eyes please and thank you
i imagine this is how harry and draco’s first meeting would have gone then haha
can you imagine how much more confused arthur would have been in that scene where he first meets harry 😂
his eyes would probably sweep right over harry at the breakfast table, and then he would freeze and have to do a mental tally of his children
I can see Fred and George really going with it too…
“Come on Dad, don’t you remember Harry?” “Next you’ll tell us you don’t remember Craig” “Or Ethel” “Or Annie“ “Or Ryan”
Mashups and Exports 